Closure
by CherubKatan
Summary: Yohji's view on a mishap between he and Ran. Sequel to Broken Soul. Yaoi... and well if you've read Broken Soul... R


            I don't own Weiß. I wish I did though then I would have good money.

Note: I had to write this it wouldn't leave my mind. I am warning you now though, it has rape in it, and it might be a bit too much for the tender hearted. That's why this fiction is rated R. In addition, there is yaoi in it.

Closure

            I don't know what it is with me and fucking things up. I'm not a klutz like our resident soccer play is, but somehow it seems that no matter what I do I'm always screwing something or another up.

            The first time it happened, was when I was unable to save Asuka from being shot and then believing that she was dead. It's because of her that I ended up joining the nice little assassination team known as Weiß. Now, I'm beginning to wonder if that was such a wonderful idea. It also brings me to the some of the other things that I've ended up royally messing up on.

            The second one had to do with Asuka again. After all these years of me thinking she was dead, I found out, she was actually alive. I can't really begin to express to you the joy that I had felt when I saw her… no recognized her while fighting her in Schrient. There was one thing that slightly put me off though; it was hers as well as everyone else's insistence of calling her Neu. It never mattered how she was called. In my heart, I knew it was her brainwashed or not. It was Asuka alive… yet twisted. That however is part of another rant. You see that wasn't where I fucked up. It was the whole thing about not being able to get over her death after I had been forced to kill her with, what most people would kind of say, my bare hands.

            Everyone tends to believe that I was upset over the fact that I had to kill her, but that's not true. Oh no, let me tell you something. Long ago, before any of this had happened, we two had made promises to each other. Promises that if anything strange twisted or fucked up had happened to us, we wouldn't hesitate to kill the other. I kept my promise to her, I loved her enough to do that for her, because I knew if she ever regained her memories, she would know about Weiß and be anguished over the fact that she at one point tried to kill her partner. 

            The whole reason I screwed up though, is it took me almost two years to get over her death, for the fact of me being weak. I almost hesitated when I was killing her, almost went back on my promise and my love to her.

            Right now, I bet all of you are beginning to think that this sounds like one of those nice little suicide notes that people tend to find next to some cold dead body. If only that were true, but it isn't. Even with how many times in the past few months that I've contemplated about doing it, I just can't seem to actually pull it off… I'm a coward… you don't have to say it. I already know I'm one. It's even hard for me to face my teammates, especially one of them. Then again, I did hurt him in the worst possible way.

            That right there is where I fucked up for the third time… maybe even the last, I don't know. This time I might be able to summon up the courage to actually pull the knife across my wrists in the dishonorable, American fashion.

            Sigh, what happened is so hard to say, so hard to explain, and it would take longer than just a few minutes of explaining to ever win back anyone's trust. I'll probably pay for this the rest of my life, but maybe with this everyone will finally understand why… no not why, how it came to past. Maybe all of you would stop judging me so harshly, stop accusing me with your eyes and your mouths. I just want one person to listen to me, to understand, and one day, forgive me. Hell, I wouldn't even mind if it was that telepathic bastard who finally understands, although I doubt that, that will ever happen. I get the feeling he'd rather be the one to take a gun or something and just kill me. I ramble though so I'll try to continue this.

            Let me just say for myself that, I don't know when or how it happened, but I ended up falling in love with someone. Perhaps it could have been on that one mission where I was going to be a decoy against Schrient so soon after Asuka's death. He was kind to me that night… or what would pass for kind with him. I felt he actually cared about me. Whatever the case may be the most that I can say is, I fell hard and deeply in love with Ran.

            Don't say it. I can just hear the questions now. Why fall in love with someone like him? You know he's unreachable. He wouldn't give you the time of day and for one of you, he's mine hands off him. I think I know now that I wanted the impossible.

            Back then though, I had the idea, but I just didn't want to accept it.

            Exciting isn't it? Knowing that you probably wouldn't be able to have him even though you love with him, I was full of delusions of what he had said to me that one time. So I'm pathetic, sue me. Anyway, to continue before I begin to feel the grips of depression wrap itself around me and I go try to kill myself yet again. I'll say now that I wouldn't be able to do it… like the last couple of hundred times that I tried. I'm either a fool or just trying to come up with excuses for not continuing with this little story of mine to tell. If that's that case, I'm a coward than I thought I was.

            This really isn't helping what little I have left of an ego.

            Now, as I was trying to say, I had fallen in love with the blood red haired, katana wielding assassin. I wanted him. I dreamt about him, everything. I even went so far as to doing things to try to get him to notice me for a change. Except for that one time, my cigarette dropped between my legs and ended up burning a hole in his upholstery. That, I swear was an accident. I do wish though that he had offered to retrieve it for me, rawr, I could have had fun with that.

            Argh! That's not what I'm trying to reach here. My mind continues to be sidetracked. I'm not a person who can sit here and write out or speak out an entire story. I'm not full of flowery prose and similes that can bewilder and befuddle a person's thinking or imaginations. I'm just a freaking playboy, in my teammate's eyes, or worse, to others. My point is I'm not Ran or Omi. Hell, even Ken is more poetic and imaginative than I am.

            Back to what I was speaking about, I began to do anything and everything I could just to get one glimpse from him. Try though as I might nothing I did worked.

            As I did these things, I began to notice something about him, something different. He was smiling more often than he had in the past. I at first thought his smiling had to do with his sister, but then I quickly realized my error. Every time he would smile, his eyes would get a distant look to them, a dreamy sort of quality, you could say, in his vibrantly hued amethyst eyes. Those weren't the looks one would get when thinking of their sister, but ones that would come about from fond, yet tender memories. I tried to shrug them off.

            Like a fool, I persisted in trying to capture his precious attention.

            I tried my hardest and every day the same thing would happen, nothing, so I would end up becoming depressed, so depressed that I went out on drinking binges. I didn't do it lightly either, nope no beer for this poor wounded soul, but hard-core liquor. Drinks like, the Four Horse Men, Liquid Cocaines, straight up shots of Jagermeister, Gold Schlogger, Rumple Mints you name it I would hit it back.

            On those nights, I would find a man or a woman's shoulder to cry on while they gave me words of comfort and encouragement. Some nights, however, I would find someone to go home with and have my sorrows taken away for just one brief moment and sometimes on those very same nights, I would find out one of my worst qualities. I found out that when the mood is just so, I become a violent drunk. I'm ashamed even now to admit something as that, but I am nonetheless.

            Anyway, it was around three months ago that it all happened.

            The day was bright and sunny when I first woke up. Then again, it was around noon when the first rays of sunlight hit me on my sleeping face. I had been out drinking the night before and I had a killer headache. I wasn't the type of person who would end up becoming sick as I knocked myself into a drunken stupor, but the hangovers that I would get were the worst. Maybe it was because I ended up mixing drinks. I don't know, what ever the case may be it hurt like hell.

            It also makes me start to wonder who's bright idea was it to create a sun in the first place. We all could do without one. You know the whole planet submerged in darkness deal. Almost like… well I would say the American movie Pitch Black, but that movie was only covered in darkness for a little while. 

            Oh well, as I was saying. I woke up with that killer hangover at noon and then bolted straight up in bed. I was late for work. I don't know why that comes as such of a surprise as my coworkers and to myself as well. I'm always late, especially when I've been out drinking the night before.

            To make this part short and not as boring to most people, I'll just say that if there was a world record for showering, shaving and getting dressed. I've probably beaten it a million times over.

            Soon, I was in the flower shop and bored out of my mind. There was barely anything to do to keep me occupied. No women and Ran was busy doing his money thing with our ledger. I don't know what it is with him and money… but damn is he ever strict about it. I've never seen a more tight-wadded man in my life. Therefore, as I was saying the place was hardly busy for most of the day, that is until around three in the afternoon, when all the high school students get out that time.

            If you ask me how I know that, I think I'll bust out laughing. You know as well as I do how I know all of this. Besides, it's always the same girls that come to the flower shop everyday, although, with this being the beginning of spring most of our normal under age customers were in cram school, getting in their extra knowledge so they can pass their exams.

            Shocked aren't you that I would know things like that? Mind you, I do pay attention to them when they're talking, unlike the rest of you with your fake smiles and half muttered curses when you think no one is listening. I may be known as a playboy to all of you, but let me tell you this. I still respect any woman, no matter their age. All the smiles I bestow upon them are real.

            It got slightly busy at the store though, and busy enough to when it came down to closing at five, I was shocked to find out that Ran had already left an hour earlier.

            I went in search of the red haired man, because I figured that it was well past time to get down to business with him and tell him how I felt. 

            It took me only an hour to realize that he was nowhere to be found.

            I was hurt in a way. I know I probably shouldn't have been. It wasn't as if I had told him before hand that I wanted to speak to him. I now probably think that if I had, then maybe what happened would have been avoided, but I can't turn time back now. That's impossible. I can only live with the consequences of my actions. This is very hard for me to do even now.

            After bugging Omi and Ken for another half an hour on if they had seen him, I decided to say fuck it, went off to my apartment, and changed into some decent clothes to go clubbing in.

            I'll spare everyone the details of what went on while I was at the club, since they aren't worth even thinking about. In other words, nothing happened except that I got shit faced.

            It was early morning when I ended up stumbling home, through an alleyway and that's when I spotted him.

            Ran was moving down the sidewalk. He looked as if he had been drinking by the way he was swaying under the streetlight. Then again, he could have just been happy, or so I thought to myself as I stood there, my eyes taking in every inch of his being. My mind quickly told me that, that was a farfetched idea because since when was he ever truly happy, when he wasn't getting that dreamy look in his eyes. 

            I stood there for a moment watching him and I went to move forward to greet him when I tripped over something and landed flat on my face. I can't tell you how embarrassed I felt when that happened to me, but thankfully, there was no noise to when it happened. I was also still out of it that I couldn't get up so I laid there watching him walk towards his steps.

            He continued up to them when he had to stop out of nowhere and grab the railing of them. I figured that that was my chance to call out to him, and I did.

            "Psst… Aya!" I tried to whisper out to him. Loud enough for him to hear but not loud enough to where it was as if I was shouting.

            Do you know what he did? He ignored me. Of all the low down things he had done. I called out to him again though.

            "Yo, Aya!" I called out to get his attention again. "I know that's you! You're the only one in this complex with red hair! Now stop pretending that you didn't hear me, I need you're help!"

            He groaned out when he heard that and then shot a glare in my direction. It seemed that my little daydream lover was reluctant to even help me one tiny bit. "If you don't shut up Kudoh, you're going to wake everyone up!" He growled out.

            I shrugged good-naturedly and flashed him my best smile. "I don't care, let them. They need to be up anyway." That didn't have any effect on him since he continued to glare. "Alright, alright, but I need you're help… I'm drunk… I can't stand up… and for some reason I'm all wet."

            I don't remember if he said anything after that, because I felt like passing out. The alcohol was really working in my system quickly.

            To be quite honest, I think I did pass out because the next thing I knew he was carrying me over to my apartment, and not in a kindly fashion either.

            I was still half passed out when we came up to my door and asked me where my keys where. I swear I tried to answer him the best that I could but only mumbling came out of my mouth.

            What brought me completely to wake the next moment though was somewhat shocking. Ran had reached into my pants pockets and was digging around for my keys. It felt so good that I inadvertently let out of moan of pleasure.

            My little bout of ecstasy caused him to stop what he was doing.

            I froze, half afraid that he would realize that I was beginning to get a hard on by his movements and leaned more against him in an effort to pretend that I was still half unconscious.

            Needless to say, it worked because soon he found the key to my home.

            He carried me over to the couch and laid me down. I wasn't ready for him to leave yet, so I pulled him down on top of me. I held him, as I had always dreamed of doing. His smell was indescribable. Although, there was something different, something familiar, so I took another sniff of him and soon realized what I smelled. "Mmm, Aya… you smell like sex." I said in a husky voice.

            "So?" He asked. In his voice held a hint of forced casualness to it.

            "Has our little kitten found himself a playmate?" My voice held a teasing quality to it but on the inside, I was hurting. Here was my Ran, no not my Ran, but here was Ran the man who never had sex in his life and wouldn't know what sex was at all, having a lover, to hold him, kiss him, and soothe away his worse fears. Worst of all, that lover was someone other than me.

            I think I snapped some time after that because I don't remember him saying anything. All I can remember was that I was kissing him. It felt wonderful.

            My hands started to move of their own accord, running up his sides and to the inside of his shirt. I casually started to caress every inch of his stomach, his chest, and his nipples. I broke the kiss at some point while I was still doing those things.

            He tried to pull away telling me to let him go, but I didn't want to and I told him so.

            "I don't think so kitty, I want to hear you purr." I told him as seductively as I could at that time and bent down to kiss him again.

            My teeth grazed against his lips before I licked them and tried to pry his mouth open with my ever-ready tongue. It delighted me when his mouth parted. He was responding to me. Then reality came down and bites me, literally, and quite hard might I add. I let out a cry of pain. I don't know what came over me, but after he had bit me, I did one of the worst possible things that I could ever do.

            I slapped him.

            I continued to slap him until I realized he had tears streaking down his face. "Awww is my little kitty crying." I said brushing away the tears in hopes of comfort. "Hush now and let uncle Yotan help you."

            I don't know what possessed me after that but soon I had him stripped down to nothing and was on my way to making his body mine.

            I won't go into details of what happened. Everyone should figure out by now that I raped him. Yes, call me an asshole, as I know all of you want to. I am one. I won't deny it. Besides, all of you aren't the only ones who call me that. I've called myself that as well as many other self-depreciatory names, probably more so than what all of you have called me so far.

            At the end of it, all was when I sobered up quickly. I looked into his face, hoping that he would have a look of unending pleasure, but to my horror, it was of fear and pain. He got up and moved about as quickly as he could. Which probably would have been quicker if he hadn't have been shaking the entire time and left the room with as much speed as he could muster.

            A couple of months had gone by after that night, and I never once saw him again. Everyone was mystified as to why, but I knew. He didn't want to leave his apartment because of me, because I had raped him. I don't blame him. What gets me though, was what happened after those three months of seclusion in his home.

            He had finally come out and was working again. He was given the deliveries, since he said he wanted to have fresh air. I knew that was a lie though, he just wanted to get away from me that day, since we worked the same shift together.

            He was gone for hours, when we got a call from him. He was in prison, arrested for the murder of a man. We were shocked and immediately called Manx to inform her of what happened. Would you believe that bitch said it was beyond her hands now and we should have nothing to do with him since he was a common murder now? We of course had to obey, but we did end up going to the trial.

            The trial… now what can I say about that, except that it was proceeding how a normal trial would go, then again I know little to nothing about how a real trial went. How would an assassin know? We're judge, jury, and executioner of our victims, so they mean little to nothing to us.

            They grilled the poor man, until finally he cracked.

            At that point, the oddest thing happened. Schuldich was there, at the trial. I didn't know why at first. I thought he had found out about what happened with Ran and was coming here to gloat over the fall of our once sturdy leader, but that wasn't the case. He was the lover Ran had. It was he who Ran had been with the night of the rape. It was he who had captured the attention of my beautiful redhead, and he who pushed past the guards and started comforting the broken Ran.

            With Schuldich's help, Ran related the whole story of what happened to him that night, all the while I was sinking down in the pew. I could feel the eyes of my teammates going back and forth, between Ran and I. Trust me; it wasn't a pleasant feeling either. They hated me and I knew it. 

            Thankfully, they let him off, and I wasn't arrested either. Ran didn't press charges against me but I almost wish he had. I'd rather spend a lifetime in prison being someone's bitch than deal with the punishment that Kritiker had in store for me. I will have to say I thank Omi for interceding somewhat on my behalf, if it wasn't for him, Manx would have probably shot me the instant I walked into the Koneko. Mostly though, I was pulled out of the group and now have to do little things on my own. I think I would have rather been killed now that I think about it.

            Anyway, to make a long story short, though that's not possible since this is already as long as it is. I'm a fuck up, period, end of story.

~

            The soft sound of carbon lead gliding over wooden pulp came to a stop.

            Yohji glanced down at the odd number of papers scattered across his desk. He had been writing for hours without pause and had finally come to the end of his narrative letter. Quickly he read over the last few lines one last time. _I'm not finished yet,_ he thought to himself, his pencil poised over the partially white paper surface.

            Slowly he started to write again.

  
~

            I'm now beginning to wonder why I bothered with writing this out at all. Nothing is going to change the fact that I did something terrible. No one will understand this or me, when they finish reading this. He will never forgive me either. Having him forgive me would be like asking him to forgive Takatori for destroying his family life. It would be impossible.

            I need to face the facts. I've fucked up and now it's beyond my repair, but I have to say this. Ran, I'm sorry. I won't offer any excuses for what happened. I hope though that you won't judge me too harshly though after you or anyone read this. I blame and curse myself enough as it is. 

~

            He paused again, his eyes moving to the pistol that lay gleaming blackly on his desk. A tiny smile spread across his face before he bent back down yet again to write.

~

            I think I'll be truthful now. I lied at the beginning. I can't stand seeing you in this pain. I can't stand seeing you're once cold eyes filled with fear whenever I'm within your sight. I can't live with any of this, so I'll leave you now, Ran, I'm sorry. I love you… still do for that matter. Goodbye.

~

            He laid his pencil down. Once vibrant green eyes began to roam over all that he had written and nodded in content, he reached over and lifted up the shiny pistol putting it in his mouth. _I can do this, _he sighed to himself as he pulled the trigger back. 

            He kept his eyes open. He wanted to try to see ever as he heard the gun go off and the last thought that came to his mind as the dark oblivion swiftly carried him off was… _Finally… I'm free._

The end.

Author's Notes: Erm… well… Uhm… no comment?

Schu: *dances around* Ding-dong the bastard's dead!

SCHULDICH! That's mean!

Schu: So? He deserved to die… Too bad, it wasn't I who killed him.

Hmph….

Schu: *smirks* Anyway for all who agree with me leave a review. I'll at least appreciate that my sentiments are shared.


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